A-C-T

"Since I was in elementary school, my dad has always been away on business, which is fine as I got used to it. However, last year, he told my mom and me that he has been living with another woman for five years, and they have a daughter and a newborn son. It sounds weird that my mom and I had no clue before he told us, but this was the case. After knowing about it, I don’t care much about how he could betray us, but I keep wondering, how and why he acted in front of us for so long, acted as if we were still a happy family and nothing went wrong.

Then it just comes to me that being honest is one of the hardest things in the world. It’s hard to tell others the whole truth, and, even harder, to tell myself. Some of my thoughts are so humiliating that I don’t want to recognize, and some of my deeds or experiences so wrong that I only wish to forget. I can’t say. I can’t see. I hold my tongue, and I close my eyes. I am also acting, as if everything is just fine.

I can’t help acting for so many reasons, even for being myself. I want to and I have to be dedicated to my career, to stay curious, and to love others. Duties follow immediately. I have chosen what I love the most to be my major, so now it’s time to love it forever; I want to and I have to love knowledge and the world whenever I’m functioning well, but when love is required, love becomes extremely hard. I wind up being duty-bound, and I can’t help acting. Part of my identity is discouraged, if not thrown away. I have clearly in mind what kind of person I want to be and what’s the best way for me to love myself, but when there’s one single acceptable outcome, how can I value where I start or what I have been through? How can I value who I am or what I am doing now? When am I acting too much? Or is it just wrong from the start?

It’s weird that, no matter whether I am acting or not, life is going on."

Hearts of AM ~ #15