Make myself my own home

Content Warning: Contains reference of implied suicide attempt

"There are mornings when I wake up and I think I have finally made it. That I have gotten away from the toxic place that crumbled my confidence and self-worth. I learned a little too late that constant manipulation and emotional torment are a form of abuse as well. I let it go on for years, until I reached my breaking point. I swallowed 32 sleeping pills at the beginning of my sophomore year in college, and it is heartbreaking for me to acknowledge that at that point, the thought of removing myself from this world was the only thing that brought me hope.

I joined Active Minds after I took some time off of school. I came back after taking a quarter off wanting to feel inspired and having something to work towards. I wanted more students to share their stories and work towards their best selves by simply realizing that they had power over their actions. Active Minds became my safe space because it was the one place in school where people would have open conversations about the reality of mental health. There was acknowledgment about how difficult the struggle could be, but there was also discussion on helpful resources and a variety of outlets.

It is through my passion towards Active Minds that I eventually learned that you don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. If there is any reason for why I am alive today, it is because I found the belief that I had the power to live my own life. Being his daughter didn’t mean I would turn out to be manipulative. And being his sister didn’t mean I was pitiless. I was me. And I am me. And I will be whoever I want.

So there are mornings that I struggle. But there are also morning where I am grateful. And I don’t think there is any power in the world that can explain to me how even when I have left that place, I have not left. How I am so helplessly brought back to it, time and time again. And that is when I have to remind myself that there is no end to healing. This journey, like every other journey is a choice of struggle. In this choice I get to win myself back. I get to redefine my boundaries of home. I get to make myself my own home."

Hearts of AM ~ #17