Self Talk

“There you go Maggie. Fake a big smile. Wave at him.

“You say you really like him? Well you better Listen up. Remember seeing him so happy with his friends the other time? You can never make him smile like that. He’s just being nice to you. Nobody likes you okay? Stop lying to yourself. You mean nothing to him.

“Nope not even your friends. They’re barely putting up with you. Do you just never notice what boring stuff you say all the time? You always ruin their fun haha. AT THE SAME TIME you take their rides, occupy their attention, and waste their time. STOP BEING A BURDEN. You don’t deserve such good friends okay? Their lives gonna be much better without ya ;)

“Agh did you just mention band? Friendly reminder - you’re like the crappiest leader they’ve ever had :) How did they even choose you as drum major lol they probably regret it so hard by now. Stop making excuses for yourself! You’re devoted? Anyone else can do what you’re doing if they put in time. Well, ‘you have passion in band’. But that’s also because the people are trying so hard to put up with you! Remember the person who called you a ‘stupid pig’? That’s probably what most people think of you! WOULD YOU PLEASE WAKE UP?! You’re literally destroying the band lol.

“Your family? How much attention do you give them anyway? They’re all the way in China paying for your tuition, and you get all these fights with them? You make them disappointed... Aww how rebellious...

“Yes you’re right, sweetie, you are burdening everyone around you...

“Ooh no baby don’t talk to people about this! You don’t wanna burden them anymore right? Fake a big smile every time you see them :)

“Yeah you can just lie in bed... And do nothing... Just be a loser...

“Remember...

“You suck...

“You suck...

“You suck...

.

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Sounds harsh?

This is the self- talk I used to experience on a daily basis during in high school. I get this “bully” following me around and beating myself up every day. After I graduated, and after I entered college, I get another “bully” saying similar things.

The guy in the first paragraph later became my homecoming date. My friends and I laughed together every day, hung out weekly, and stayed in touch all the way to now. The band people never withheld their kind words towards me. My mom was like my best friend, and said that all of her stress automatically went away upon seeing me.

But none of these made my “bully” go away. Luckily, the existence of the “bully” never stopped me from fighting back.

I started to slowly open up to people. They make me believe that I have the power to stand up again, and again.

It’s the fourth week of my freshman year in college. Almost the third year of fighting my “bully”. Every time I get hit to the ground, I rise up ready for another fight.

I don’t know when this battle will end. But I know that one day it WILL end and that I WILL be the winner.

AND SO WILL ALL OF YOU. YOU WILL RISE UP TO YOUR OWN VICTORIES.

Good luck to everyone fighting their bullies.

Love,

Maggie