Voices

"If you met me 3 years ago, I probably would have only been able to meet you for an hour tops. No boba either because the music playing at the boba store would have been too loud for me to endure. But why? All of a sudden, I had all these restrictions in my life due to having psychosis. I had hypersensitivity which meant I couldn’t handle noisy places or really bright stores because I would start hearing voices. While hearing voices, I couldn’t quite do anything that required concentration, so I would usually lie down and shut my eyes. In addition, I would have these video-like scenes playing in my mind of my family or relatives talking. It was as if I was watching a TV show in my mind with the actors saying random sentences, filtered with things that could make me feel anxious— topics such as others committing suicide, the date of my death, or sex. Usually, the voices would start, say, on a Saturday evening at 6pm after I had been to 3 stores, (the maximum number of stores I could endure) and the voices would stay until I fell asleep (around 10pm). Then, the voices would have toned down in volume the next day and would stay til early afternoon. Another scenario when I would start hearing voices would be after being on my laptop for 4 hours. This was not fun and the thought of hearing these voices for a lifetime would scare the heck out of me. I had to be strategic about what I did, where I went and how long I could be there, and I knew my limitations.

Fast forward to today. Now I can go to multiple places during the day that aren’t too noisy which is a significant improvement. It means I can do school properly, study however long I desire to (unlike a few years ago) and have fun outings. I still can’t go to dances or clubs because they’re too loud. But that’s ok. Maybe one day. Now I usually hear voices once a month, whereas before it was once a week! I am hoping the voices will be gone in a year so. Fingers crossed.

My mental health problems have given me a new perspective on how important health and well-being is, to not take my basic abilities for granted, to take things one step at a time, to meditate, journal, sleep well every night, be open about how I’m feeling with family members, and to be kind to myself. It amazes me how powerful the brain is, since it can produce coherent voices. I wait for the day that scientists find the cure to this mind-boggling illness!"

Hearts of AM ~ #21

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